Emily Linderman
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
We’ve all learned this mantra and probably chanted it to ourselves in the fourth grade when someone called us a name. The truth is, though, that words do hurt, and they hurt most from the people with whom you are closest. And sometimes, it’s the words that aren’t said that cause the most damage.
But if you never let yourself get close to people — if you build your emotional walls high enough — people can’t hurt you.
At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself for the past three years. Maybe people can’t hurt you if you don’t let them in, but you will hurt yourself.
I’ve always thought that if I’m going to get hurt, I should be the one responsible for it. I like to be in control.
I think the average student at Lehigh holds themselves to a similar standard. We see it in our campus’s ever-present hookup culture. We see it in the “drink to forget” mindset.
I’m not going to tell you this approach to relationships, and not just romantic ones, doesn’t work. I haven’t been hurt again in the same crushing way I was three years ago when I first adopted this lifestyle. In that way, it’s working for me.
On the other hand, I also haven’t felt anything deeply in three years. And recently, the cons have started to outweigh the pros.
Life is meant to be felt, experienced through emotions. Feelings are what we remember.
This month I will not be silent. I refuse to let the fear of getting hurt dictate how I will live my life.
No, I’m not pouring my heart out to every person I pass on Memorial Walkway. Not everyone will get to know my life story. But I am taking baby steps.
This column is one of those steps, and I’ve wanted to write it for a while now. I’ve been writing privately about my fear of emotional intimacy for years, but publishing it means I’ll have to be held accountable for it.
It’s been a few weeks since I resolved to change my approach to relationships, and people have surprised me.
Last week I was having one of those days where I just wanted to stay in bed and forget the world. Instead of dealing with that on my own, I decided to let my roommates know what was going on.
I came home to a cinnamon roll left on the stove for me.
It’s tiny gestures like this that remind me life is not meant to be lived alone.
These past few weeks haven’t been easy. It’s hard to let people in because you’ll never know how they’ll react. We can’t control other people, and as someone who values independence and loves to be in control, that’s a hard concept for me to grasp.
No one is happy and bubbly all the time. If someone can’t accept you at your low points, if someone needs you to put on a happy face when they’re around, they are not someone who deserves to be in your life.
If someone leaves because they can’t deal with your emotional baggage, let them leave.
It will hurt. I know it will hurt because I’ve been hurt. I’ve done the shutting people out thing, but the joy I find in my friends when I do open up is so worth the risk.
But don’t just take my word for it. The Harvard Study of Adult Development has tracked the lives of 724 men over the last 75 years. Robert Waldinger, the fourth director of the study, said in a recent TED talk, “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”
Waldinger described these relationships as “securely attached,” “close,” “socially connected” and “they really feel they can count on the other person in times of need.”
People in good relationships lived longer and their memories stayed sharper longer, too. Even when the participants reported more physical pain in their old age, the ones in good relationships were just as happy as the days with less pain.
This is a hard thing for me to share, but I’m sharing it because I know I’m not alone in my struggle, and I’m starting to know what it’s like on the other side.
This is your formal invitation to let someone see a deeper part of you. Life is so much more rewarding when you’re not living it alone.
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Emily Linderman, ’19, is an assistant lifestyle editor for The Brown and White. She can be reached at [email protected].
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