This edit desk was written with the intent for satirical purposes.
It’s come to my attention that not every 18 and 19 year old knows exactly what they want to do with their lives as they transition into the enigma that is adulthood.
Even when I bring up this abstract idea of “doing,” it seems to invoke some level of anxiety, maybe even an existential crisis, familiar to many of my peers.
After all, “doing” denotes a plethora of things. We simply cannot let the Protestant work ethic and capitalist mindset narrow our view and lessen our acknowledgment of central morals, integral hobbies and our search for a more holistic view of “doing.”
Nevertheless, at the forefront of this humanistic distress seems to be the finding of one’s place in the workforce, so I will dedicate my TED Talk to this subject.
I’m here to tell you: You’re not the only one who struggles with finding your adult footing.
Alas, I have it all figured out, and I’m here to tell you that this stress can be avoided — you can live a life free of the bonds placed on you of free will, as I have found the answers.
Through extensive interdisciplinary research spanning my millennia of professional education, I have formulated a list of tips, suggestions, and honestly, the only ways to feel and be successful post-graduation at Lehigh.
Number one: do the bare minimum.
Congratulations, you’ve already been admitted to an extremely competitive, highly acclaimed university — you can rest now. Or, should I say, it’s time to party.
When dedication, hard work and climbing over obstacles still leads to inequality and broken opportunities, I beg this question: what is the point?
Selfishness and relinquishing of nearly all responsibilities is the key to connecting to the soul that is the global workforce.
Number two: switch over to a STEM major.
All of my friends studying humanities or social sciences, listen up! I know your dreams of being diplomats, actors or therapists have been a ray of motivation since career day in elementary school, but it’s time to crush this positive sunshine.
If we Americans want to remain as a global superpower, we must pump out specialized engineers, computer wizards and scientific experts. Forget about interdisciplinary degrees too. It’s just a way to suck up your time and money. This way, any qualms with choosing a major can be swept away and locked into a deep, tightly secured mental box.
But wait! For my buddies already in STEM and those soon joining, drop out. Your lack of humanities and social science generalization makes you unfit for labor. My point is: a good education is the same as no education— so why try it at all?
Number three: you might have seen this coming, but regardless of your passion for learning or any fantasy of being in a specialized, East Coast, liberal-arts-adjacent classroom, graduate school is a waste of your time.
If you’re truly meant to be successful in our global capitalist system, your innate ability to survive will guide you. May the fittest remain victorious (and exorbitantly rich).
Ignore your parents’ voices forcing you onto Columbia Law or Harvard Medical — slingshot yourself into the workforce immediately to use your time wisely.
Number four: if you haven’t realized already, a key trend in this path to tranquility and success is that of paid work.
A recent study conducted by the National Association of Inaccurate and Irrelevant Statistics (NAIIS) found that 167 percent of college-aged students who dedicate their time to running underground drug dealing, plagiarizing for-profit and kickstarting professional businesses of this sort are more likely to live longer and develop mutated superhuman capabilities of mind control to be used in the real world.
Number five: when all else fails, recognize yourself as a plebeian or peasant within the simulation.
When we all wake up in cryogenic tubes with AI robots having gotten bored of our underdeveloped imaginations, we must be prepared to welcome the hierarchy built into our shared universe. We simply are the less superior species.
There exists the fit and the weak, the workers and workless, the doers and doer-nots. Admitting defeat in the system is as easy as can be— not to mention the robot race would greatly appreciate your cooperation.
It has been an immense pleasure to share my omniscience with you all, and I hope that you heed my advice to allow for a more perfect college-aged society.
With all my love,
British Siri
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1 Comment
This is so based and true.